Bahala na is Tagalog for Come what may

In 2007 or 2008 I can't remember which year or what day it was. But I do remember that it was a cold evening. She like the other children of diplomats who had to been brought to our school in the middle of the term from some other country fascinated the rest of us.

I would watch them surreptiously at the dinning hall. While the rest of us ate the yam and egg sauce that made everyone drowsy during the morning lectures. They were the only exception to that attrocious meal. Watching them delicate nibble at their sausages with the right piece of cutlery and how they spoke of their experience in a far away place that I knew of only because my fantasies were what my dreams were made of.

The day she shared with the rest of us her gift for telling the future. I was one out the many curious people who lay out our palms for her to read. I would never forget that cold night and I would never forget what she said.

She said "You will have a rough start with life at first and then someone would come who would make life beautiful". She also said as she traced the lines on my palm "Your love life would be rough, smooth and rough".

I believed her and I claimed those words as truth. Because I belived in fairy tales, I wanted to be Cinderella who got saved.

She failed and she had to resit that class and I really do wonder why she never saw that coming with all the fortune telling that she did for others. That would have been the best way to know that she was a sham but I was much to seduced by the awe of meeting the prince charming promised to me. The one who was going to be my saviour.

After getting my heart broken and after the long nights and tear stained pilours. I know now more than ever that there will be no dashing prince whose life mission is to save me.

Now I know that I must save my self. I must be strong for myself, I must be the woman I was born to be without out any man doing the heavy lifting. Now I know, that I am my own herione.

Have I ruled out on love inspite of all i've been through? certainly not! But I am not going to struggle to find it any longer like is the Holy Grail. I am going love my self, take care of myself because Bahana la I deserve to be happy.

And happy I will be.

Rain, so they don't see my tears

They say that everything happens for a reason. But there are no reasons for certain predicaments we find ourselves, sometimes life just deals us cards we didn't ask for.

Yesterday I cried, I cried like I hadn't cried in years. I cried like my heart would break, I cried like I needed redemption. I cried because the pain had reached its boiling point and had combusted like an angry volcanoe.

Crying is something I rarely do. But when you are put down and your legitimate lifestyle choices are put down by someone who claims to love you. Someone who knows how vulnerable you are because you just had a bad break up.

Then I cried again because he almost raped me. His excuse was "You are my girlfriend and I want to make love to you". When begging and bargaining did not seem to be working, biting his tongue severely seemed to do the trick.

I came home, I showered and lay on my bed. Told no one because there is no one to tell. I thought long and hard, I tossed and turned on my bed and when I slept I had nightmares.

I want to ask why this is happening to me. May be I deserved it, all I wanted was someone that would help me find closure, someone that would prove to me that it pays to love for the right reasons because love is something I also deserve.

Uneven Year, Uneven Experiences

This is my happy place. Writing in my journal doesn't quite cut it this days. Writing here, in this space feels like therapy for me. It always has.

In 2016, I was having a ball, I was in a great relationship and everything seemed well. It was the best year of my life. I thought finally! I had met the man who valued me and saw my true worth.

I stuck with him, stuck with his broke ass, jobless self. For all intents and purposes I felt like a wife, I played the real to perfection because I felt he deserved it.

In retrospection, I have learnt that you do not really know a person. I have learnt that human behaviour can not predicted and I have learnt that you can not really know a person.

I have refused to be bitter because that would not be in my favour. Heart broken doesnt explain the way I feel. cheated is more like it.

There are some days it gets to me, the anger, the betrayal, and I feel like I have lost something I would never get again.

I have lost my innocence, my starry eyed believe that people are as good as they say they are. Now I look at everyone with suspicion, now I think everyone has a hidden agenda.

I'm a bit listless this days. There is the occasional anxiety, where I ask my self questions I have no answer to. Questions like will I ever fall in love again? Did someone really sabotage me because I shared my happiness with the rest of the world? Everyone is getting married and being in love, why did mine have to go south even after all the work I put into this relationship?

I try to put all my pent up emotions in work but this days that also doesnt cut it. I scroll through happy pictures of couples gaily dressed and looking so in love on Prewedding Naija or Bellanaija. And for a mini second I ask fate, why can't that be me?

This days I have been staying away from my unit in church because I really feel like I have nothing to give. I feel like I failed my self, I feel like such a hypocrite.

I feel empty this days, I feel like there is a hole, a void, a space that needs feeling. I feel like I lost something. I know the answer to this, I know the answer lies with drawing back to God and being committed to him. Having a deep and personal relationship with him.

There is John Paul but I won't be talking about him today but I  know that I am thankful that he is here. He made things easier to deal with.

Right now my life is full of a lot of uncertainties, career,love, passions all seem to be filled with question marks.

I deserve to be happy, I want to be happy.