THE CONNOISSEUR OF SILENCE

Nobody sings anymore
I remember when we where kids we used to sing alot
we used to play in the sand and build sand castles
we used to hold hands, play in the moon light and tell stories
remember who is the garden? that game we played back then
remember our definition of fun back then?
when life was simple and the only thing that looked like the complicated was
when you didn't know the answer to 11×12
Remember when you used to sing the National Anthem chest strutting out, your
voice bellowing with holy emotion because you truly truly believed that the
labour of our heroes past shall never be in vain.
Its gone, yes that Nigeria its gone!
If you tried to unlock those memories so you could recreate them,
you would fine nothing else but grey silence.
yes, silence.

Confessions of a self saboteur

          I'm a self saboteur, I destroy every chance  I get to be happy. I destroy friendships before they bloom into something beautiful because I think that I do not deserve to be in those peoples lives, and that if I was then they did be better off without me. I did rather be the wall flower than let the spot light be on me even when I am supposed to take due credit because I think that someone else deserves than spot better than I do. I have hurt a lot of guys in the past because I wanted to be the one who asked for the break up just because I could. I evade anything  different because the norm is convenient. I hurt myself and time again because I feel that if I sabotaged myself long and hard enough I would have payed for the mistakes I made in the past and the people I hurt while making those mistakes.

The Universe said so

           Its true what they say about people who didn't really have a lot of companionship growing up. Its true that we are needy, obsessive and demanding its true that we are a bit freakish but  before you judge us you should understand what lonely feels like, you should understand what it feels to be alone for years on end. Its been deeply wired into our brains that we would never be anything but lonely because its been written in our stars and because the universe says so. So we find it hard to believe when you waltz into our lifes and declare your intentions, at first we put on that hard guarded exterior because its the only way we have survived, its the only way we have kept sane.
          And then you decide that you are intrigued by our mysterious persona,you think that we are this huge puzzle that you can not wait to unravel. So you do everything in your power to earn our trust. You become our shrink, our sous chef, our personal shopper, our tour guide, our masseuse, our comic relief, our friend. And then those  well fortified walls we thought we built start to crumble, you are all we can think of, you are all we pray for, we go out of our way to make grandiose gestures that show just how thankful we are that you are in our lives. With time you start to see that the early challenge of trying to decipher that mysterious stranger is gone and we've been replaced with this weirdo that literally worships the ground you work on.
             You decide that you are freaked out by our quirks and that you want out. So, you tell us you need some space, we don't understand why you would want that because we know what space looks like its cold, dark and lonely so we do everything in our power to make things right, to make things like the way they used to be. you call us names like freakish and obsessed, you push us out, back to where we came from and its always the same circle, it always ends like this because lonely fits us better, the universe said so.

50 shades, 50 Identities

           Its amazing how I can be a different  person with each guy I have ever been  with. Its almost as if I have a split personality where guys are concerned. With B I am the sweet innocent wide eyed virgin who is completely clueless and oh how he loves that representation of me the poor guy cant wait to sully my virtue. With E on the other hand I'm this boring, stiff girl who never really says much during a conversation but would rather just sit by a corner and mop at the world. With I( this is where I have truly being myself) I am this girl with many quirks, very vocal about her feelings, is stubborn, and is really curious about exploring her feminine and sexual abilities. V brings out my dark side, he has seen my demons and knows just how ferocious they are and is quite adept at feeding them. Oh and there's E who thinks I'm this bright, self motivated and ambitious young thing who is a workaholic and has it all going for her oh if only he knew what a slacker I really was, if only. Last but the least is A who thinks I am this good christian girl with a nice upbringing who would make good wife material.

I guess what they say about women is true you can never really understand  us and that's because we have a knack morphing into the kind of people you us to be.

The lies we tell ourselves

        Every lie is two lies, the lies we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it
                                                                                                                 _Robert Brault                                                                            
                                                                                                                    
      Today I took the liberty of compiling a list of the most common lies we tell ourselves.

1, I'm going to keep my new years resolution in 2016
yea right like you have been trying to keep them since 1999

2, I don't care that my last IG post got only 2 likes
after taking 50 selfies, spending an hour editing the best pic and using 100 hashtags!

3, I don't stalk people on social media
I just occasionally go through their profiles, those of the people who tagged them and those of the people who tagged the people that tagged them every other hour.

4,I feel your pain
Seriously though? If you have never been struck by lightening before I suggest you never use that turn of phrase. Ever!

5,I have learnt my lesson
I think a thousand times bitten, a million times not shy aptly describes you.

6, Its my parents fault
I am guilty!

7, Nobody loves me
that's a big lie and you know it, now stop the pity party.

8, I'm never drinking again
that was your status by six A.M this morning now its 8P.M and your status is saying "#TDFW #ClubCubana #PoppingBottles

9, I'm not judging you
like you told Ekemini when she got pregnant at sixteen five years ago but you are still using her as your reference for lose girls.

10, I'll call you back right now
need I say more.

single and chasing pavements

I came back from my peanut paying job yesterday highly fatigued and tired after greeting my mum the first thing she said was your cousin F came by today to tell us that she is getting married then,she gave me this where is your own husband look.I woke up by 12 am this morning because I heard someone cryin, that piqued my curiosity. Lo and behold, it was none else than mum praying earnestly  and beseeching God to give her only daughter a husband.Seeing her like that really got to me.

      So for my lunch break today, I decided to go to the poshest and most expensive restaurant in town to haunt for a husband. The only money I had on me was the 1K I had been carrying on me all week, I decided that spending it on food that tasted like dirty socks was a good investment(I pride myself in making good investments) as long as I could snag myself a good catch preferably a tall chocolate skinned dude, with well groomed facial hair,  wash board abbs, good teeth, and  diction.
 
       I took a bike to **** restaurant, I got myself a good seat in the executive lounge(that's where bankers and big boys eat), ordered grilled fish for #700(thats the only thing I could afford on the menu)and a bottle of diet coke for #150. As I nibbled the fish, I would occasionally check out the other patrons. All the men there were either heavily obessed with gigantic pot bellies to boot and the ones who looked cute either wore wedding bands or came along with female dates.

      After forcing the awful fish down my throat and fiddling with my phone for an hour it dawned on me that I wasn't going to be meeting Mr right today. So, fuming internally I paid for the bland tasting fish. To make matters worse after paying for the food I asked the waiter for my #150 change and then he gave me this smug look when he said "Madam that one na service charge".The poor exploitative fool doesn't want to know all the expletives I used to describe him in my mind. I just picked my bag and walked out of the damn place.

So, I just spent 1K for nothing and I am still single and chasing pavements.

Ukeme's Story

           His name is Ukeme and we all thought that he was senile well until today. When I arrived here the first thing i noticed was how many mad people they had here and just how dehumanizing the symptoms of their illnesses were. Ukeme however was different from the lot he was always extra quiet, when he stared at you it was like he could see right through your soul and just like Solomon Northrop from 12 years a slave he's eye's always held so much pain. We all stayed clear of Ukeme except for Edith who would say "my fine friend" whenever she saw him and then in those rare moments Ukeme would smile and a dashing smile it would be.
          
           Over time, that "quiet  mad  man" as I used to call him started to look.sane he started to look better and healthier. Did I mention that in the state of he's senility he looked disturbingly anorexic so putting on a few pounds was a really really good thing. Well until I saw him again two weeks ago reeking of rotten flesh with his left hand hidden in his shirt away from public glare and my first thought was oh no! this man is back to being mad again he probably slept at a dump site or something. Until last Sunday when I saw him walk by and I saw his hands the one he tried to hide.

           They were black, gangrenous, mangled and dead! the whole left hand had been eaten by gangrene it was the most disturbing thing I had ever seen, the more I thought of it the more I knew that something was amiss and so, I became obsessed with knowing this man's story. Today I did, Ukeme was never mad but he's father is. For the past 16 year's of he's life  he's suffered untold abuse physical, psychological and mental in the hands of the very man who brought him to this world.

           Last year, he was taken to a herbalist's den by his father to be cured of his so called madness as well as witchcraft. There, he suffered mutilations, starvation and beatings until he managed to escape but after that he was never  the same again. That experience , took away his believe in humanity and so he chose to become mute, last month he had malaria and since be heard that malaria can be cured by moringa he took some of the leaves from his father's compound and because he's son used his precious moringa, he's abusive father did what any possessed lunatic would do. He had thugs beat up his son with chains and pestles and put his left hand in raw acid for hours!

          Ukeme will never use his left hand again, he will never do a lot of things. I leave this place come Friday and Ukeme's story has taught me that sometimes the mad man is not mad it is the people that call him mad that are mad.

Why I'm I so angry

I am in December, the last month of the year and I know that I should be in the mood of thanksgiving because I know I have a lot to be thankful for. Right now however I'm feeling nothing close to being thankful the feeling is anger.Hot, boiling, seething rage.I do not know why I feel this way but where ever it came from I want it to go right back.