THE CONNOISSEUR OF SILENCE

Nobody sings anymore
I remember when we where kids we used to sing alot
we used to play in the sand and build sand castles
we used to hold hands, play in the moon light and tell stories
remember who is the garden? that game we played back then
remember our definition of fun back then?
when life was simple and the only thing that looked like the complicated was
when you didn't know the answer to 11×12
Remember when you used to sing the National Anthem chest strutting out, your
voice bellowing with holy emotion because you truly truly believed that the
labour of our heroes past shall never be in vain.
Its gone, yes that Nigeria its gone!
If you tried to unlock those memories so you could recreate them,
you would fine nothing else but grey silence.
yes, silence.

Confessions of a self saboteur

          I'm a self saboteur, I destroy every chance  I get to be happy. I destroy friendships before they bloom into something beautiful because I think that I do not deserve to be in those peoples lives, and that if I was then they did be better off without me. I did rather be the wall flower than let the spot light be on me even when I am supposed to take due credit because I think that someone else deserves than spot better than I do. I have hurt a lot of guys in the past because I wanted to be the one who asked for the break up just because I could. I evade anything  different because the norm is convenient. I hurt myself and time again because I feel that if I sabotaged myself long and hard enough I would have payed for the mistakes I made in the past and the people I hurt while making those mistakes.

The Universe said so

           Its true what they say about people who didn't really have a lot of companionship growing up. Its true that we are needy, obsessive and demanding its true that we are a bit freakish but  before you judge us you should understand what lonely feels like, you should understand what it feels to be alone for years on end. Its been deeply wired into our brains that we would never be anything but lonely because its been written in our stars and because the universe says so. So we find it hard to believe when you waltz into our lifes and declare your intentions, at first we put on that hard guarded exterior because its the only way we have survived, its the only way we have kept sane.
          And then you decide that you are intrigued by our mysterious persona,you think that we are this huge puzzle that you can not wait to unravel. So you do everything in your power to earn our trust. You become our shrink, our sous chef, our personal shopper, our tour guide, our masseuse, our comic relief, our friend. And then those  well fortified walls we thought we built start to crumble, you are all we can think of, you are all we pray for, we go out of our way to make grandiose gestures that show just how thankful we are that you are in our lives. With time you start to see that the early challenge of trying to decipher that mysterious stranger is gone and we've been replaced with this weirdo that literally worships the ground you work on.
             You decide that you are freaked out by our quirks and that you want out. So, you tell us you need some space, we don't understand why you would want that because we know what space looks like its cold, dark and lonely so we do everything in our power to make things right, to make things like the way they used to be. you call us names like freakish and obsessed, you push us out, back to where we came from and its always the same circle, it always ends like this because lonely fits us better, the universe said so.

50 shades, 50 Identities

           Its amazing how I can be a different  person with each guy I have ever been  with. Its almost as if I have a split personality where guys are concerned. With B I am the sweet innocent wide eyed virgin who is completely clueless and oh how he loves that representation of me the poor guy cant wait to sully my virtue. With E on the other hand I'm this boring, stiff girl who never really says much during a conversation but would rather just sit by a corner and mop at the world. With I( this is where I have truly being myself) I am this girl with many quirks, very vocal about her feelings, is stubborn, and is really curious about exploring her feminine and sexual abilities. V brings out my dark side, he has seen my demons and knows just how ferocious they are and is quite adept at feeding them. Oh and there's E who thinks I'm this bright, self motivated and ambitious young thing who is a workaholic and has it all going for her oh if only he knew what a slacker I really was, if only. Last but the least is A who thinks I am this good christian girl with a nice upbringing who would make good wife material.

I guess what they say about women is true you can never really understand  us and that's because we have a knack morphing into the kind of people you us to be.

The lies we tell ourselves

        Every lie is two lies, the lies we tell others and the lie we tell ourselves to justify it
                                                                                                                 _Robert Brault                                                                            
                                                                                                                    
      Today I took the liberty of compiling a list of the most common lies we tell ourselves.

1, I'm going to keep my new years resolution in 2016
yea right like you have been trying to keep them since 1999

2, I don't care that my last IG post got only 2 likes
after taking 50 selfies, spending an hour editing the best pic and using 100 hashtags!

3, I don't stalk people on social media
I just occasionally go through their profiles, those of the people who tagged them and those of the people who tagged the people that tagged them every other hour.

4,I feel your pain
Seriously though? If you have never been struck by lightening before I suggest you never use that turn of phrase. Ever!

5,I have learnt my lesson
I think a thousand times bitten, a million times not shy aptly describes you.

6, Its my parents fault
I am guilty!

7, Nobody loves me
that's a big lie and you know it, now stop the pity party.

8, I'm never drinking again
that was your status by six A.M this morning now its 8P.M and your status is saying "#TDFW #ClubCubana #PoppingBottles

9, I'm not judging you
like you told Ekemini when she got pregnant at sixteen five years ago but you are still using her as your reference for lose girls.

10, I'll call you back right now
need I say more.

single and chasing pavements

I came back from my peanut paying job yesterday highly fatigued and tired after greeting my mum the first thing she said was your cousin F came by today to tell us that she is getting married then,she gave me this where is your own husband look.I woke up by 12 am this morning because I heard someone cryin, that piqued my curiosity. Lo and behold, it was none else than mum praying earnestly  and beseeching God to give her only daughter a husband.Seeing her like that really got to me.

      So for my lunch break today, I decided to go to the poshest and most expensive restaurant in town to haunt for a husband. The only money I had on me was the 1K I had been carrying on me all week, I decided that spending it on food that tasted like dirty socks was a good investment(I pride myself in making good investments) as long as I could snag myself a good catch preferably a tall chocolate skinned dude, with well groomed facial hair,  wash board abbs, good teeth, and  diction.
 
       I took a bike to **** restaurant, I got myself a good seat in the executive lounge(that's where bankers and big boys eat), ordered grilled fish for #700(thats the only thing I could afford on the menu)and a bottle of diet coke for #150. As I nibbled the fish, I would occasionally check out the other patrons. All the men there were either heavily obessed with gigantic pot bellies to boot and the ones who looked cute either wore wedding bands or came along with female dates.

      After forcing the awful fish down my throat and fiddling with my phone for an hour it dawned on me that I wasn't going to be meeting Mr right today. So, fuming internally I paid for the bland tasting fish. To make matters worse after paying for the food I asked the waiter for my #150 change and then he gave me this smug look when he said "Madam that one na service charge".The poor exploitative fool doesn't want to know all the expletives I used to describe him in my mind. I just picked my bag and walked out of the damn place.

So, I just spent 1K for nothing and I am still single and chasing pavements.

Ukeme's Story

           His name is Ukeme and we all thought that he was senile well until today. When I arrived here the first thing i noticed was how many mad people they had here and just how dehumanizing the symptoms of their illnesses were. Ukeme however was different from the lot he was always extra quiet, when he stared at you it was like he could see right through your soul and just like Solomon Northrop from 12 years a slave he's eye's always held so much pain. We all stayed clear of Ukeme except for Edith who would say "my fine friend" whenever she saw him and then in those rare moments Ukeme would smile and a dashing smile it would be.
          
           Over time, that "quiet  mad  man" as I used to call him started to look.sane he started to look better and healthier. Did I mention that in the state of he's senility he looked disturbingly anorexic so putting on a few pounds was a really really good thing. Well until I saw him again two weeks ago reeking of rotten flesh with his left hand hidden in his shirt away from public glare and my first thought was oh no! this man is back to being mad again he probably slept at a dump site or something. Until last Sunday when I saw him walk by and I saw his hands the one he tried to hide.

           They were black, gangrenous, mangled and dead! the whole left hand had been eaten by gangrene it was the most disturbing thing I had ever seen, the more I thought of it the more I knew that something was amiss and so, I became obsessed with knowing this man's story. Today I did, Ukeme was never mad but he's father is. For the past 16 year's of he's life  he's suffered untold abuse physical, psychological and mental in the hands of the very man who brought him to this world.

           Last year, he was taken to a herbalist's den by his father to be cured of his so called madness as well as witchcraft. There, he suffered mutilations, starvation and beatings until he managed to escape but after that he was never  the same again. That experience , took away his believe in humanity and so he chose to become mute, last month he had malaria and since be heard that malaria can be cured by moringa he took some of the leaves from his father's compound and because he's son used his precious moringa, he's abusive father did what any possessed lunatic would do. He had thugs beat up his son with chains and pestles and put his left hand in raw acid for hours!

          Ukeme will never use his left hand again, he will never do a lot of things. I leave this place come Friday and Ukeme's story has taught me that sometimes the mad man is not mad it is the people that call him mad that are mad.

Why I'm I so angry

I am in December, the last month of the year and I know that I should be in the mood of thanksgiving because I know I have a lot to be thankful for. Right now however I'm feeling nothing close to being thankful the feeling is anger.Hot, boiling, seething rage.I do not know why I feel this way but where ever it came from I want it to go right back.

How to be a successful Okada rider in Nigeria

    If you say you are Nigerian and you have never flagged down a bike then I really don't know what to make of you. The okada man is a professional bike rider who people pay to take them to their various destinations. The bike men have been around for as long as I remember.
         I remember the really noisy bikes they called them "vespas" the lady machines favoured by female bike riders, then came yahama and now the jincheng(the one that says welcome to bla bla bla...no wahala and left,left, left when the bike is turing)
        The okada business is no walk in the park so one wonders why okada men are a dine in a dozen in any part of the country.To be an okada man, the job requirements are simple no need for a university degree or professional certificates. All you need are a bike(obviously), sunshades, a thick cardigan and an umbrella(for those in the south) and viola! you are an okada rider.
         To thrive in the business you must be very good at bargaining and negotiating especially during feul scarcities, having a bad temper as I have come to understand should also be part of your charm.
           You must also be very prayerful or diabolical as you will be needing a lot of spiritual backing considering the fact that the line of your job entails that you meet all sorts of people from all works of life and of your customers might be a warlock or an escapee from yaba left.
              Last and not the least you must always have smaller denominations of the naira on you. Change as they are popularly called must always be handy, you do not want to know the extent of damage not being able to give a balance of #10 change to your customer can cause

Good luck, from here onwards its not so smooth sailing and a life of  unabashed mediocrity.

How do you get a husband?

     They tell you to get a husband, they tell you to find a husband, they tell you to bring a man home. What they don't tell you is where to or how to find a husband. Do you find a husband in the market when you go to buy atarodo?  or, do you find a husband when you go to church may be that's why there are so many single women in the choir and ushering unit, do you find a husband when you go to weddings may be perhaps that's why asoebi girls are so popular, or do you find a husband when you go to the mall? may be thats why Spar and Shoprite are so popular.My friend J likes to stroll every evening she says she is looking for a husband, she says you wont find a husband if you just sit at home, she says men are scarce.
          Why must i look for a husband? i asked my mum once she looked at me like i had grown two horns on my head.

please how do you find a husband?

I have spotted a black flamingo in Nigeria

    What are the odds that you will find a black flamingo in the world? what are the odds that it would be in Nigeria? prior to the 13th of October 2015 I had never seen a flamingo except on television. But when i did get to see one in Nigeria it was hard to miss. A flamingo is supposed to be pink but this one was black i couldn't believe it, I tried to take a picture but it was way too far away and the awful lens of my 5MP andriod device couldn't take a good picture( I regret not taking that picture none the less).
       I asked the locals around about the bird but none of them seemed to know what I was referring to, the word flamingo wasn't something they were quite familiar with. My guess, is that they probably knew what it was but could only identify it by a different name something in the local language(Ibibio) perhaps.
        When I got home, I decided to Google black flamingo and i realised that there had only ever been one sighting of a black flamingo in Cyprus in the year 2014. Indepent.co.uk even called it "the only black flamingo in the world" but I am saying that it isn't, I am saying that there are other black flamingoes out there, I am saying that i have spotted a black flamingo in Ikot Abasi Local government area in Akwa Ibom state of Nigeria.

How to save your NYSC allowee

     Trying to save is no easy job especially when the amount in question is a paltry sum of #19,800. The chances are, that you might end up spending the money before you even receive it. Since I pride my self in being altruistic I'm willing to share a few tips on how to save your NYSC allowee irrespective of  what the additional state allowance may be. I saved over #150,000 during my youth service and mind you I had never made an attempt at saving a dime any day in my life before I went for service in fact the money in my bank account was just only #10,000 but I had clothes worth over #8,000 and shoes worth #12,000 that I had never worn all sitting pretty in my closet. Why am I saying this? Anyone can save.  You mustn't be Chijioke or Obinna before you have money in your  account. So, here's how to save your #19,800.

1, Draw out a plan of the things you intend to achieve during your Youth Service, writing your goals on paper always helps to keep you in focus.

2, Don't try to save your first allowee, I'm talking about the first one you received in camp because you are going to need all that money for the errands you will need to run once you leave camp. Don't worry there's still eleven more 19,800's to go.

3, If you get lucky and your star is very bright you may get posted to a PPA like Exxon Mobil where you will be paid #50,000 per month, for the majority of us, many thanks to the witches in our villages who get posted to places like Ijebu grammar school don't expect anything more than #5,000 per month so any chance of saving rests solely on your #19,800.

4, Make friends with an Igbo person, nobody can save money like an Igbo man or woman, all my Igbo friends saved over #250,000 from their NYSC hustle. An Igbo friend is the best motivation and inspiration for you to save. You will understand why am saying this when you see the contents of Emeka's bank account. Emeka your friend who has only one blue jean and one black trouser has money in the bank that can buy land in your states capital.

5, After settling down nicely in your place do a feasibility study of what you can do to earn an extra income. Most corp members run tutoring programmes and so that line of business has become highly saturated. Look around you and find out what problem you can solve that would fetch you an extra income I have friends that supplied shear butter and honey to companies and for household consumption. I also have friends that supplied fish and crayfish from the state I served in to other states where it was more expensive.You could also get a part time job.

6, Make a spending plan, things like feeding and transportation should be at the top of your priorities and things like new clothes or shoes should be considered as frivolities. You have to learn to be content. Many corp members who bought new phones with their proceeds from the last elections didn't enjoy them well enough before they got stolen. Priorities!

7, Start by saving a little bit of your #19,800 every month. If you want to save say 50% of your allowee it is advisable to start by saving may be 30% percent when you can conveniently save that you save 40% and then 50% eventually.

8, Invest in yourself; learn a skill or two, getting HSE/PRINCE2 or NIM certifications are much cheaper as a serving corp and it will give your resume an edge over that of other job seekers in future who don't have those skills. Also, you could learn a non vocational skill from the NYSC Skill Acquisition and Entrepreneurship Development programme (SAED) organised for corp members.

9, Make sure you take good care of your health, mixing your PPA  job with your business or second job and at the same time learning a skill or getting a certification why trying to save some money could be a lot to take in.This is where you learn the act of time management and also ensuring that the whole process doesn't take it's toll on your health.

10, Make out time to take yourself on a treat once in a while, you can do this when you have achieved one of your goals, its your way of telling yourself job well done!

This isn't only about saving your allowee, this is about becoming more responsible, setting your priorities and preparing yourself to be an adult. Good Luck!

The three hundred naira a month room

     So i was minding my business as usual surfing the net until i came across this story on mirror.co.uk that left me gob smocked if not befuddled. So, apparently some guy listed a room for rent at £1 a month too good to be true? well there's a catch the tenant must be a single female student who would stay in his room for a nominal sum because he is scared of sleeping alone he's reasons are that he is autophobic. On the ad listed on easyroommate.com he wrote "I am renting another bed in my spacious ensuite bed room for free due to autophobia, which is a fear of being and sleeping alone. The house has a lovely room and garden as well as a gym in four bathrooms. The tenant must be single female, clean organized and sociable".

Creep! perv! thank God this didn't happen in Nigeria  because i know osho free loving girls would have formed a long queue in front of his house. He would have even had to run an interview session.

You are the best Motivator you will ever know

Optimist: Someone who isn't sure whether life is a tragedy or a comedy but is tickled silly just to be in the play.

       I am an optimist. I got a job today, it's not a job i would want to build a career in but it's a step in the right direction. This isn't me settling this is about me being optimistic about the future and the beautiful experiences that are yet to come. Here are some of my favorite quotes about attitude and optimism. I hope that in future when i go back to memory lane by reading this post i would be right .

Where ever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine
                                                                                                _Anthony J.D Angelo

Life is a ship wreck but we must not forget to sing in the life boats_ Voltaire

Oh, my friend, its not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left_ Hubert Humbrey

In the depth of winter i finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer
                                                                                              _Albert Camus
There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes_William J Bennett

Henceforth i ask not good fortune, I myself am good good fortune_Walt Whitman

I've got dreams in hidden places and extra smiles for when im blue.

20 things or more about me

      There are shades of narcissism, mine isn't exactly about being shallow or conceited. Infact if you ask me i think i come a close second in meekness Mahatma Ghandi is first of course(talking about Mahatma Ghandi i read somewhere that he was a perv).
enough about Ghandi! oh yes where were we?  that's right narcissism. I am probably the only person in this world who opens a blog for her own personal consumption. I just got tired of reading about other people and decided to focus on me. This is my niche,here i'm queen of the lair. If this isn't narcissism then it is probably a very close synonym.

Since today is the Africacanread.blogspot narcissism day i think these are the 20 or more things you need to know about me
1, I'm a loner, but that i guess you must have figured that out i mean who else opens a blog to talk to no one but themselves.

2, I struggle with living up to the good christian girl expectations that i'm supposed to live up to.

3, I absolutely hate semovita

4, I had a crush on someone that spanned 6 years(more like obsessed creepy stalker)

5, My favorite thing in the world is curling up with a good book I'm currently reading the power of self confidence by Brian Tracy.

6, I'm a selfish person but then who isn't

7, I think i'm a pretty good writer, others think so too but i'm also a lazy one.

8, I have a list of phobias like height and clusters but my biggest fear is...

9, I act like i'm a strong independent woman who doesn't give a damn about being married or falling in love but deep down i'm a hopeless romantic

10, besides writing i also make decent jewellery you should see them sometime

11, I am more confident and self assured when i'm not around my parents.

12, I am really good at negotiating and persuading

13, I do not have a best dish

14, I already have a drafted social media status for when i have my first kid

15, I am not exactly a slob, but im not your neatest person

16, I learnt how to be more financially responsible(saving allawee) in 2015

17, I don't think i will ever be anyone's chief bridesmaid I'm not bestie material you know.

18, I have a hymen...

19, i'm fiercely protective of my siblings i would die for them

20, My first love was...

Dividends of being the woman in the marriage; A case study of Kanye West

      So the other day, Kanye went with the rest of his in laws for his mother in law Kris Jenner's huge great Gatsby themed birthday party. According to our sources Kanye wasn't feeling up to going to the grandiose event that was all going to be filmed for an episode or two of keeping up with the kardashians. His wife however was not taking a no for an answer even though our sources say poor kanye had been complaining of a headache all day.
        The poor guy had to wear a shitty costume that was nothing like the walking dead themed designer outfits he favours all to please his mother in law. Well i guess the cat was let out of the bag when he could no longer keep up with the kardashians or appearances and so conveniently forgot the lyrics to a song he wrote and had performed over a zillion times.

poor Kanye, poor poor Kanye:-{
       

Why are Nigerians always so angry?

There is not a day that goes by that i dont hear words and phrases like your father! God punish you! Are you mad! This is an anomaly, i think that Nigerians need to understand that they need help with anger management. Imagine if you are born and the first face you get to see is that of mid-wife who is scowling at you. That can give anybody nightmares not to talk of a one day old baby.When that baby start to cry at night not because he/she has colic but because he/she is haunted by the wrinkled face of the middle aged woman who helped to birth him/her. So when next you are about to be an angry Nigerian think about that day old baby and what the poor kid is going through.