Uneven Year, Uneven Experiences

This is my happy place. Writing in my journal doesn't quite cut it this days. Writing here, in this space feels like therapy for me. It always has.

In 2016, I was having a ball, I was in a great relationship and everything seemed well. It was the best year of my life. I thought finally! I had met the man who valued me and saw my true worth.

I stuck with him, stuck with his broke ass, jobless self. For all intents and purposes I felt like a wife, I played the real to perfection because I felt he deserved it.

In retrospection, I have learnt that you do not really know a person. I have learnt that human behaviour can not predicted and I have learnt that you can not really know a person.

I have refused to be bitter because that would not be in my favour. Heart broken doesnt explain the way I feel. cheated is more like it.

There are some days it gets to me, the anger, the betrayal, and I feel like I have lost something I would never get again.

I have lost my innocence, my starry eyed believe that people are as good as they say they are. Now I look at everyone with suspicion, now I think everyone has a hidden agenda.

I'm a bit listless this days. There is the occasional anxiety, where I ask my self questions I have no answer to. Questions like will I ever fall in love again? Did someone really sabotage me because I shared my happiness with the rest of the world? Everyone is getting married and being in love, why did mine have to go south even after all the work I put into this relationship?

I try to put all my pent up emotions in work but this days that also doesnt cut it. I scroll through happy pictures of couples gaily dressed and looking so in love on Prewedding Naija or Bellanaija. And for a mini second I ask fate, why can't that be me?

This days I have been staying away from my unit in church because I really feel like I have nothing to give. I feel like I failed my self, I feel like such a hypocrite.

I feel empty this days, I feel like there is a hole, a void, a space that needs feeling. I feel like I lost something. I know the answer to this, I know the answer lies with drawing back to God and being committed to him. Having a deep and personal relationship with him.

There is John Paul but I won't be talking about him today but I  know that I am thankful that he is here. He made things easier to deal with.

Right now my life is full of a lot of uncertainties, career,love, passions all seem to be filled with question marks.

I deserve to be happy, I want to be happy.