The conundrum of depression; Suicidal Suzy's Diary

“I don’t want to see anyone. I lie in the bedroom with the
curtains drawn and nothingness washing over me like a sluggish
wave. Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. I have done
something wrong, something so huge I can’t even see it,
something that’s drowning me. I am inadequate and stupid,
without worth. I might as well be dead.” – Margaret Atwood , Cat’s
Eye






          Depression is like a child who was born a bastard and then shortly after it's mum dies and it's taken to an orphanage and at this orphanage that is to become it's new home, none of the kids in the orphanage wishes to associate with it.

        I have battled all shades of depression in the last 7 years. I can't even remember how the dark moods started, i'm told that mood swings come with puberty and that it's all part of the mechanics of growing up.

       What no one told me was that this dark moods somehow have the ability of metamophorsing into this state of perpetual darkness and self loathing. I do not know how many nights I have stayed up wishing that I was dead so I could just end the torment.

      When you have  a normal illness like malaria people can sympathise and emphatise with you because the evidence of your malady is written all over you. With depression however it's a different scenario, nobody knows what you are going through.

      Everyone sees your happy and go lucky nature and your bedazzling smiles and they think life couldn't be better for you. What they don't know is that living everyday is an effort. The thought of waking up to another day is scarier than falling off a precipice.

       Anyone going through depression knows that it is the last thing they would wish on a favourite enemy. Depression owns you, it controls you. It takes you into this deep, dark void that you have to get out of.

      Ever imagined falling into a black hole? yes thats an apt description for depression. God help whoever gets to crawl out of this gynormous black hole called depression and lets say a prayer for those like Robin Williams who decided to throw in the towel.

     I hope that wherever they are there's alot of sunshine and colour  because nothing zaps away your sinshine or takes away the colour in your life look good ol' grey Mr Depression.